| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Chris Woods | 6 | -1.50 (-25.00%) | |
| D | Matthew Upson | 12 | +1.40 (11.67%) |  |
| D | Chris Powell | 12 | +1.10 (9.17%) | |
| D | Keith Curle | 9 | +0.60 (6.67%) | |
| D | Jonathan Woodgate | 9 | -0.20 (-2.22%) | |
| M | Steve Hodge | 11 | -0.50 (-4.55%) | |
| M | Tony Daley | 10 | +1.40 (14.00%) | |
| M | Scott Parker | 10 | +0.80 (8.00%) |  |
| M | Theo Walcott | 8 | +0.20 (2.50%) | |
| S | Stan Collymore | 10 | -1.80 (-18.00%) | |
| S | Andy Cole | 5 | -0.90 (-18.00%) | |
| 9.27 | +0.60 (0.59%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -2.00 (-40.00%) | 5 | Fluffy Muffdiver | K | |
| -1.90 (-31.67%) | 6 | Denny Dildo | D | |
| -0.50 (-10.00%) | 5 | Gaylord Focker | D | |
|
+0.30 (6.00%) | 5 | Johnny Potsmoker | M |
| -0.40 (-8.00%) | 5 | Virgin Hardcock | M | |
| -1.70 (-34.00%) | 5 | Abraham Arsehole | M | |
| -3.20 (-64.00%) | 5 | Freddie Fuckface | M | |
|
+1.80 (30.00%) | 6 | Spike Sperminator | S |
| +1.10 (22.00%) | 5 | Calvin Cunthunter | S | |
| -6.50 (-13.83%) | 5.22 |