| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Allan McGregor | 8 | -0.30 (-3.75%) | |
| D | Osório Barreiro | 8 | +1.90 (23.75%) | |
| D | Bartholomew Brown | 7 | +1.60 (22.86%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 7 | +1.20 (17.14%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 5 | +2.70 (54.00%) | |
| D | John Terry | 4 | +1.50 (37.50%) | |
| M | Frank Lampard | 8 | -0.10 (-1.25%) |  |
| M | Jesus Christ | 7 | +0.30 (4.29%) |  |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 5 | +1.00 (20.00%) | |
| S | Johann Steinsson | 10 | +0.30 (3.00%) | |
| S | Francis MacLeish | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Group Sex | 5 | +1.20 (24.00%) | |
| 6.83 | +11.30 (13.78%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -0.50 (-16.67%) | 3 | Clifford Morrow | K | |
|
+1.90 (27.14%) | 7 | Gerry Gerry Gerry | D |
| +0.40 (5.71%) | 7 | Posing Feker | D | |
| +1.30 (21.67%) | 6 | Big Stevie Walsh | D | |
| +1.50 (30.00%) | 5 | Big Matty Elliott | D | |
|
+2.00 (25.00%) | 8 | Muzzy Izzet | M |
|
+1.50 (18.75%) | 8 | Boom Slang | M |
| +0.50 (8.33%) | 6 | Karma Chameleon | M | |
| +1.20 (40.00%) | 3 | Andy King | M | |
| +0.10 (1.43%) | 7 | Gaboon Viper | S | |
|
+1.70 (42.50%) | 4 | Rattle Yourtonsils | S |
| +11.60 (18.13%) | 5.82 |