| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Naked Jeff | 11 | +1.00 (9.09%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 11 | +3.00 (27.27%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 11 | +3.00 (27.27%) | |
| D | John Terry | 9 | +2.00 (22.22%) |  |
| M | Frank Lampard | 12 | +1.00 (8.33%) |  |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 10 | +3.00 (30.00%) | |
| M | Juan Mata | 7 | +1.00 (14.29%) | |
| M | Florent Malouda | 6 | +2.00 (33.33%) | |
| M | Miguel Afonso | 6 | +1.00 (16.67%) | |
| S | Marc-Vivien Bitangane | 8 | -1.00 (-12.50%) | |
| S | Robin van Ronaldo | 5 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Fucking Skillz | 6 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Diego Maradona | 5 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Lionel Pelé | 4 | +2.00 (50.00%) | |
| 7.93 | +18.00 (16.22%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -2.00 (-18.18%) | 11 | Alan Partridge | K | |
| -6.00 (-50.00%) | 12 | Gerard Mcmahon Ii | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 11 | Gerry Mac Mahon | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 10 | Will Ferrell | D | |
| -3.00 (-23.08%) | 13 | Jeremy Kyle | M | |
| -4.00 (-40.00%) | 10 | Careful Steve | M | |
| -5.00 (-50.00%) | 10 | Fernancow Torres | M | |
| -5.00 (-55.56%) | 9 | Patrick Jane | M | |
| -5.00 (-55.56%) | 9 | Geraldinho McMahoninho | S | |
| -3.00 (-37.50%) | 8 | Gerardic McMahonovic | S | |
| -4.00 (-50.00%) | 8 | Charlie Winning Sheen | S | |
| -37.00 (-33.33%) | 10.09 |