| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Naked Jeff | 12 | +1.00 (8.33%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 12 | +2.00 (16.67%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 12 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| D | John Terry | 10 | +1.00 (10.00%) | |
| D | Fucking Skillz | 7 | +1.00 (14.29%) | |
| D | Ryan Bertrand | 6 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Frank Lampard | 12 | -2.00 (-16.67%) | |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 11 | +1.00 (9.09%) | |
| M | Miguel Afonso | 7 | -2.00 (-28.57%) | |
| S | Marc-Vivien Bitangane | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| S | Lionel Pelé | 6 | +1.00 (16.67%) | |
| 9.36 | +3.00 (2.91%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| +1.00 (8.33%) | 12 | Justin Lee Collins | K | |
| +5.00 (45.45%) | 11 | Who Ate Adamsandler | D | |
| +2.00 (20.00%) | 10 | Tom Havercrotch | D | |
| +2.00 (20.00%) | 10 | Iain Dyer Ear | D | |
| +1.00 (11.11%) | 9 | Captain Charisma | D | |
  |
+3.00 (27.27%) | 11 | Jambags Andthe Gladrags | M |
| +1.00 (9.09%) | 11 | Old Cunt Malcy | M | |
| -1.00 (-9.09%) | 11 | The Wezmoister | M | |
|
+2.00 (20.00%) | 10 | Sticky Shivy | M |
| +1.00 (16.67%) | 6 | Charlie Bejjita Adam | M | |
| -1.00 (-11.11%) | 9 | Pooper Bear | S | |
| -1.00 (-9.09%) | 11 | Alan Sugar | R | |
| +1.00 (11.11%) | 9 | Daisy Does Dallas Ii | R | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 8 | Malcy Malcysson | R | |
| +16.00 (11.59%) | 9.86 |