| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Naked Jeff | 12 | +3.00 (25.00%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 12 | +3.00 (25.00%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 12 | +1.00 (8.33%) |  |
| D | John Terry | 10 | +4.00 (40.00%) | |
| D | Fucking Skillz | 7 | +1.00 (14.29%) | |
| M | Frank Lampard | 12 | 0.00 (0.00%) |  |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 11 | +3.00 (27.27%) | |
| M | Juan Mata | 7 | +4.00 (57.14%) | |
| M | Miguel Afonso | 7 | +3.00 (42.86%) | |
| M | Diego Maradona | 6 | +2.00 (33.33%) | |
| S | Marc-Vivien Bitangane | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) | |
| R | Ryan Bertrand | 6 | +2.00 (33.33%) | |
| 9.17 | +28.00 (25.45%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 12 | Toot Bump | K | |
| +2.00 (16.67%) | 12 | Harry Nielsen | D | |
| +1.00 (9.09%) | 11 | Urijah Faber | D | |
| +1.00 (11.11%) | 9 | Pee Wee Herman | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 11 | Ryan Kirkland | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 10 | Brock Lesnar | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 10 | Derek Llambias | M | |
| +2.00 (22.22%) | 9 | Mike Ashley | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 7 | Princess Jodz | M | |
| -2.00 (-18.18%) | 11 | Koko B Ware | S | |
| +1.00 (16.67%) | 6 | Rodney Marsh | S | |
| +1.00 (20.00%) | 5 | Hatem Ben Arfa | R | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 5 | Pele Barraza | R | |
| +6.00 (5.08%) | 9.08 |