| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Allan McGregor | 8 | +2.90 (36.25%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 8 | +3.20 (40.00%) | |
| D | Group Sex | 7 | +4.10 (58.57%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 7 | +3.50 (50.00%) | |
| D | Gavino Del Neri | 7 | +2.70 (38.57%) | |
| M | Frank Lampard | 9 | +2.80 (31.11%) | |
| M | John Keogh | 9 | +0.50 (5.56%) |  |
| M | Jesus Christ | 9 | -1.70 (-18.89%) | |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 7 | +2.00 (28.57%) | |
| M | Jimmy McDonald | 4 | +2.30 (57.50%) | |
| S | Francis MacLeish | 7 | +2.00 (28.57%) |  |
| R | Healthy Fastfood | 7 | -0.20 (-2.86%) | |
| R | Lucas Piazon | 6 | +1.10 (18.33%) | |
| R | Nympho Maniac | 5 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| 7.14 | +25.20 (25.20%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| +0.10 (1.25%) | 8 | Justin Lee Collins | K | |
| -0.50 (-6.25%) | 8 | Tomás Goulart | D | |
| -1.30 (-16.25%) | 8 | Will Wilding | D | |
| +1.60 (26.67%) | 6 | Edgar Sveasson | D | |
| +3.10 (62.00%) | 5 | Iain Dyer Ear | D | |
| +0.10 (1.25%) | 8 | Emile Orson | M | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 8 | Fabián Alejo | M | |
| +1.80 (25.71%) | 7 | Jambags Andthe Gladrags | M | |
| +0.60 (8.57%) | 7 | Rodrigo Villa | M | |
| +0.20 (3.33%) | 6 | Sticky Shivy | M | |
| -2.50 (-31.25%) | 8 | Alan Sugar | S | |
| +1.30 (21.67%) | 6 | The Wezmoister | R | |
| -0.10 (-2.50%) | 4 | Daisy Does Dallas Ii | R | |
| +4.40 (4.94%) | 6.85 |