| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Naked Jeff | 9 | +1.00 (11.11%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 9 | +3.00 (33.33%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 9 | +2.00 (22.22%) | |
| D | Group Sex | 8 | +3.00 (37.50%) | |
| D | John Terry | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) | |
| M | Frank Lampard | 10 | +1.00 (10.00%) |  |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 9 | +3.00 (33.33%) | |
| M | Lucas Piazon | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) | |
| M | John Keogh | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Juan Mata | 4 | +2.00 (50.00%) | |
| S | Healthy Fastfood | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) |  |
| R | Jesus Claus | 7 | +2.00 (28.57%) | |
| R | Jimmy McDonald | 6 | +1.00 (16.67%) | |
| 7.92 | +24.00 (23.30%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -1.00 (-10.00%) | 10 | Toot Bump | K | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 10 | Harry Nielsen | D | |
| -1.00 (-11.11%) | 9 | Richard Keys | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 8 | Shane McMahon | D | |
| -1.00 (-12.50%) | 8 | Urijah Faber | D | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 9 | Ryan Kirkland | M | |
|
+1.00 (12.50%) | 8 | Brock Lesnar | M |
| -3.00 (-37.50%) | 8 | Jim Royle | M | |
|
+1.00 (14.29%) | 7 | Derek Llambias | M |
| +1.00 (11.11%) | 9 | Koko B Ware | S | |
| +1.00 (12.50%) | 8 | George Bollocks | S | |
| -2.00 (-2.13%) | 8.55 |