| Pos | Name | Skill | Performance | |
| K | Cock Block | 5 | -2.00 (-40.00%) | |
| D | Captain Fishfingers | 9 | +2.00 (22.22%) | |
| D | Branislav Ivanovic | 9 | +2.00 (22.22%) | |
| D | Group Sex | 8 | +1.00 (12.50%) | |
| D | John Terry | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| M | Frank Lampard | 10 | +3.00 (30.00%) |  |
| M | Cristiano Messi | 9 | -1.00 (-11.11%) | |
| M | Lucas Piazon | 8 | +2.00 (25.00%) | |
| M | John Keogh | 8 | 0.00 (0.00%) |  |
| M | Jimmy McDonald | 6 | +1.00 (16.67%) | |
| S | Jesus Claus | 7 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Fucking Skillz | 4 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| R | Daniel Sturridge | 4 | 0.00 (0.00%) | |
| 7.31 | +8.00 (8.42%) |
Possession / Performance
| Performance | Skill | Name | Pos | |
| -2.00 (-25.00%) | 8 | Artyom Bolotnikov | K | |
| -3.00 (-33.33%) | 9 | Danny Simpson | D | |
| -2.00 (-25.00%) | 8 | Fabricio Coloccini | D | |
| -3.00 (-60.00%) | 5 | Benedito Farinha | D | |
| -3.00 (-33.33%) | 9 | Jonas Gutierrez | M | |
| -1.00 (-16.67%) | 6 | Yohan Cabaye | M | |
| -2.00 (-33.33%) | 6 | Gabriel Obertan | M | |
| -1.00 (-25.00%) | 4 | Dexter Kinkle | M | |
| -2.00 (-50.00%) | 4 | Cheick Tiote | M | |
| -2.00 (-25.00%) | 8 | Alan Shearer | S | |
| -1.00 (-20.00%) | 5 | Demba Ba | S | |
| 0.00 (0.00%) | 4 | Taras Voropaev | R | |
| -22.00 (-28.95%) | 6.33 |